Lost…

I always figured there’d be a transition time before I settled into my new life, post Navy.

I was always told that my life would feel weird as I got used to being out of the navy. This wouldn’t “feel right.” I “might feel lost for a bit.”

This isn’t a bit. I’ve been retired 5 years and working the whole time. I still feel lost. I still feel empty. I still feel lacking. I still just am. I’m not happy, not sad, not content and not wanting…I just am. Existing and living are wildly different experiences and I want to start living.

I have talked to therapists and psychiatrists about this and haven’t really gotten anywhere. They are only worried about the usual questions they ask you. “Are you going to hurt yourself? Are you going to hurt someone else? I have not felt that way and am not currently feeling that way. I just feel like I’m not in the right place. Midlife crisis? Crisis of being? Institutionalized? All these have merit and are possible…but I don’t know how to deal with it.

Seems like most of the focus is on those who are in extremis. Those who are riding that ragged edge with a tenuous hold on life. I understand that and support it. I’m not that target demographic. I’m not your huckleberry. I’m a guy going to a decent job, making good money and I have a wonderful supportive family. So why am I not happy? Why am I not fulfilled? What can I do to feel that way? How can things feel more real? I don’t even know if real is the right word, but it’s all I can come up with now.

Life should be more then treading water. I know I’m loved and I know people worry about me, but I don’t know if I truly worry about myself. Work days seem to just get in the way of my weekend and yet there is nothing I’m doing on the weekend to look forward to.