Paging Mister Herman…

One of the things you always have in the military is friends, or co-workers that are like friends/family/what have you. You know that once every 3-6 days you will spend 24 hours with these people. You get to know them, laugh with them and be extremely frustrated with them…almost like a real family.

Once they pipe you ashore for the last time…that all goes away. You still have those friends, but the interaction changes. The boundaries of the relationship change…almost the same way as when you try to put it in your girl’s butt. She’s still gonna be your girl (maybe) but things are going to be different. ( That may be a terrible example, but it sounded really good in my head. Feel free to try and give better examples if you have them.)

Most people have a hobby to fall back on. Something to fill that void. My years in the navy have stripped me of hobbies. ( Maybe not totally the Navy’s fault, but I’ll blame them cause they are an easy scapegoat.)

Part of that is why I started this blog…as an attempt to reconnect with a hobby I used to have, one I used to love. I feel like I concentrated so much on the scientific and analytical side of my brain that my creative side atrophied. I lost that itch, that skill. I know I don’t write as much as I should but I’m trying to change that and force myself to do it. To re-sharpen that skill. Maybe it will help me understand what I’m feeling and why. Only then can my analytical brain understand it and try to take action to fix it.

I lost where I was…both in my writing and my place in life. Every life has different stages, each with their own challenges and this is a prime example of that. I have no friends local. I have work acquaintances, but nobody I call a friend. I have crazy anxiety about being out in public, which is what I need to make friends.

(Weird double edged sword the human mind creates huh? I need something and my brain makes me terrified to go where I need to go so satisfy that urge. Is this what drug addiction is like? Knowing what you need to do but being physically or mentally incapable of doing said thing. )

I understand. Why so many fall into a hole of depression turning to alcohol or drug abuse. Those things attempt to fill that hole. They don’t but they lie and pretend to be the cure for all that ails you.

My logical brain is telling me that I should man up and do the damned thing, but there’s more to it than that and the reality is that this is so foreign, I don’t know what the first step is or where to take it.