Lost…

One of the things I find, now that I’m retired, is that I feel lost.

Rudderless.

Lacking purpose.

It’s a byproduct of running 20 years with my hair on fire with a shifting set of priorities and it all has to be done yesterday.

Yesterday I talked to one person the whole workday. That seems odd. Feels strange to be so disconnected from people 3 feet away from me. It’s almost like visiting Thailand. I’m near people, but we don’t speak the same language so we just smile and nod at each other.

I know this is passing, temporary…but it makes this whole transition more difficult. I am proud of what I’ve done and where I’ve been, but it sure has fucked me up for the time being.

I try to suck it up, put my big girl panties on and man the fuck up, but inside I’m lost. Scared of everything. Not being able to adapt, adjust…I know that’s my fear and anxiety butt-fucking me, but it’s a damn good stalker.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I’ll feel better…I hope.